Code black

I don’t imagine I knew you I

Thought I did thought so highly thought you were who I imagined you to be

That’s the problem with human beings they are so often not who we think they are

we all act

some of us

Oscar worthy the one

who is

happy all the time but

when no one sees her father beats her mother behind closed doors and what about them over there the happily married couple

who poses so lovingly for professional family photos but he slept with his mistress before meeting his wife at the studio

then there’s that nice Christian lawyer with the Golden Retriever who is a single father whose teenaged daughter adores him who he’s been molesting since she was twelve

her screams invisible even to her now

Daylight hides the darkness of the human heart

I did not know you the sun blinded me like

Icarus flying too close

To the sun

You

fell

I

Advertisements

warning

first they came with their religion saying get back to God (while they stole from the people)

then like farmers

Of the devil they sow division and tear down schools and beat down teachers

busted unions systematically

taking away the freedom of others they fear

the people

they fear you, the people

in the name of freedom they do

these things

standing up

talking about

how they need to own my body because I can’t be trusted to live in it

Godly (while they give guns to madmen and the earth burns fire and spews hatred like green acid streaming down the purity of rivers annihilated)

annihilation is their name

telling you they are civilized

behold

they do not come in the name of freedom they come to destroy in the name of the greed that drives them enslaved to the whips and chains of hatred

talking about jailing journalists

talking about burning newspapers burning books burning burning

talking about fair and balanced

while they stomp on the scales and defecate on justice’s flowing skirts

talking about freedom

talking about freedom while using the flag to bind us all while using the flag as a hate symbol as the justification for all that these types of people do

They ain’t talking about our freedom

They only talking about what they’ve ever talked about 400 years and sliding backwards

talking about their freedom

Freedom to destroy

Freedom to rape

they believe the earth is a woman you see and these same types been justifying rape for time immemorial woman is subject to man subject to God we not subject to anyone you see we got our balls out so you can see how big they are so we can grab your womanhood it’s our freedom

not yours it’s not rape

when we do it

Freedom to silence because freedom of speech is too messy and we don’t like being told what we do we don’t like the exposure we don’t like the truth so we tell you the truth is not the truth we make up facts we change the language we don’t tell lies we speak the language call it alternative facts we

love freedom when it frees us we beat down the law

above the law

we only need you to keep winning so you hang on to those ideals we spout wave the flag stand up we passing laws to kill you when the curtain burns down when the puppeteer is exposed when the

Scales

Fall

From

Your

Eyes

when you flood the streets in protest we can kill you we have been killing you to see how far we can go we started with the brown ones to see what the

results will be the public outcry seems

quiet the doctor says (they don’t seem to mind)

And about that wall we got you so excited about we lied it isn’t about keeping them out it’s about how

that wall will keep you in

the cross will save you white

Freedom

Is

Sacred

Freedom morphs

the red white and blue slipping slowly inexorably

Into a white flag with a blue field and a cross

Freedom is upside down and inside out freedom is gagged and zip tied and we don’t hear her screaming or the nails being pounded in her

coffin

Listen listen listen

can the sickness be cured

she is dying

Narcissus

Everything is quiet now

like the day after

The earthquake

nothing is as it was nor ever can be

and I am left staring at the detritus wondering if I lit the fuse

or you

what if id just gone along and

been still

what if id stood up for me

who were you really jumbled up in my mind remembering how you told me God came

To you

Spoke to you

like some Old Testament prophet

promised you we would marry you said

how you held me remembering how we planned our wedding our secret plans for Florida remembering how you wanted me constantly calling you hours on the phone hundreds of emails love bombing me move in with me you said

when I got there then you picked me up and

hurled me over the precipice

suddenly

watched impassively as I fell.

God took my love for you

You said.

Don’t go you said.

I heartbroken shattered

confused

Bewildered stayed

where did the love go not understanding it was never there oh no God took it he will give it back when you’re ready

I believed

You

twenty five plus years of knowing nothing about you

suddenly revealed

what you knew about me an unending supply of ammunition

weaponized,

you stopped one day while we walked you’re fat you said

words punching me in the stomach so proud of the weight I’d lost losing more

Insignificant you said

triumph seeing my anger and confusion

and that was the beginning of

the end I with no defenses while

Daily the bombs fell.

I hate how you eat you said

I hate how you look you said

I hate how you walk you said

I don’t like the way you talk you said

I don’t like your sense of humor you said

I don’t like where you came from your family are hillbillies you said

you’re uncultured you said

can’t have you around my family you said till I teach you to walk and talk and eat and act like a lady you said all dancing around in my head simultaneously remembering how smart you thought I was once how funny and vivacious you said I was beautiful we made loverunning into remembering late at night I on one side of your wall you on the other all leading up to the day when you said

You’re mentally ill and

we’ll never have anything until you’re fixed you said.

and you were going to wait and have faith and pray for me while God fixes me

You saint.

You saint.

poking away in my past pushing buttons doing all the things that hurt me I the child you the parent controlling what I ate what I drank how far we walked how I talked while

convincing me how different you are how good you are how healthy you are how while taking me apart brick by brick day by day

until

I am pieces I try to reassemble during the day when you are not there

when you gone is a relief

When you gone means I am free

until

I am nothing more than invisible to you nothing more than someone you used to know nothing more

nothing more than

nothing

I’m helping you, you said.

You’re too sensitive you said.

You should be grateful you said.

I give you everything you said.

Funny how words are worse than atomic bombs how they destroy the soul shatter the heart wound worse than shrapnel

“You’ll deserve me one day,” you said.

was I saved from you or by you or

was I dumped by you

God knows better than I

He set me free

He said.

full circle blind

I don’t

know

who you are

all these years boil down to days or weeks

and you were only ever visiting

maybe I only saw your company face

best behavior for it is easy to be who

I thought you were seeing you for

days here and there then watching the march of years without you

and there you are again always

on the periphery the horizon never

in the here and now

I might as well have been a ghost she said

for all we ever shared you on one end

of the line and me on

the other was all we ever really were

in my dreams we were always going in opposite directions and you

always

just out of reach bending round

corners and me ducking in and out of

crowds catching glimpses of you

On the down escalator

while I am going up

near misses miraged into one another

until we had built a dream but

years of blank spaces are solid facades

and we do not know how to love.

that would require solidity

foundation

being real and so

I do not know you

Did not

know who

consent

why do they think they own us that we are fertile

Soil

they can walk all

Over or

Possess I repeat the lamentation of my sisters across the ages that has fallen on deaf ears or preaches to the choir so

let me

Spell it out for you

Consent

means my consent not yours to consent with yourself that you have the right

the right to

touch me whenever you want or to pinch my ass or to hug me or peck me on the cheek while you talk about how much all the girls

Love you

trust me they don’t

Consent

isn’t you promising

me a future pretending to be the one

while your real agenda is to get into

my pants that isn’t consent it is

rape by fraud

you lie to get laid

I don’t

Consent

to that

Consent isn’t you and me getting drunk

together and then you screwing me while I’m unconscious that’s

rape that’s being a coward that’s criminal

I am not your new territory and I don’t need you mansplaining to me how life works

like I am

Five years old

I been spending my time cleaning up after you and cooking for you and pushing out your babies because that’s what my mama my church my society tells me all I am

Worth

Ok you can work sure but

you gotta have that career while taking care of the house and your babies and your man

Well

Fuck you. He can cook too and clean he lives here too fuck this shit about how I have to be the one to be his Betty Crocker apron wearing slut while he

does nothing but tell me I’m

Not thin enough for him and reads Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition on the toilet pointing out all my faults compared to

Those airbrushed bitches

Fuck you society. I am a woman.

I don’t fucking consent to be owned and operated like a machine with no brain

I hope

I dream

I want

I THINK

I consent to me.

I consent for those who cannot to be who they should be

I don’t consent to his last name being the name of my master

I don’t consent to his opinion being the only one steamrolling my thoughts into

silence or his fists slamming into my

stomach into my thoughts intimidation into a shadow of who I once was before I was required by society to become lost in

Him.

I don’t consent to little boys who can’t keep their prick in their pants and excuse raping and assaulting women because oh shoot I can’t control myself and that’s just how men are

Boys will be boys

I don’t consent

To locker room pussy grabbing jackasses talking trash to look like men when real men don’t talk like that or act like that

I don’t consent to authoritarian beasts sticking their flagpoles into me like conquerors

normalizing rape behavior when it makes men into animals rubbing up against me so I can feel their hard on

I don’t consent

I don’t consent to men legislating my ovaries I don’t consent to men’s self perceived superiority I don’t consent

I don’t consent